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[Oct. 12th, 2008|01:58 am] |
Stumbling upon something like this journal which has went unwritten in for so long always gets me this feeling in my gut. It makes me think of all things that have been lost and abandoned, how they were once part of something but have been reduced to nothing but a reminder.
makes me D; . |
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[Nov. 14th, 2007|03:49 am] |
I figure a post would be in order as it has not been done recently. The reason for this being, of course, because I tend to not make posts when there's nothing wrong. I suppose like in the post two previous, perhaps I don't want to make an open observation of the situation, in some way thinking it'll jinx it.
I've had a lot of time for 40 minute, late-night 3am walks this year, which I feel are the main contributing factor to this change. They've given me time to reflect upon myself and see who I really, truthfully am, and what I think of the world and the universe as a whole. When I begun this, I felt as if I was at one point, near what would best be called enlightenment (though not so as to not sound pretentious), though I realize now that was just due to how rapid the change was. I have asked myself how I would respond to different situations, and if I ever found a contradiction, I would try to find out why, as contradictions are the signs of lies, and thus you're not really being truthful to yourself. Though there is still work to be done, I feel that for a good part, I have realized what makes me tick.
For the most part, I'm content in life. I have realized that many of my disappointments in life are due to what I wish I was and what I wish I did, and though I still imagine, I don't actively yearn for it so much as to make me discontent with where I am.
Along the lines of "yearning", the word Sehnsucht is an interesting word. It's what would be described in english as something along the lines of the yearning for the nonexistent, quintessential "beauty". You feel it at certain times, certain places, but it isn't actually the place, the place is a sort of symbol to it. Much like I suppose one would pray to the symbol of Christ on the cross for the connection it gives them to God, I sat on the rocky shore of Iona, for the connection I felt to the nonexistent object of the Sehnsucht.
After the trip to the UK, I had a mild mental breakdown-type deal when I thought that the feeling I had felt at Iona had been lost, and that I would never find it again anywhere else but there. However, I later came to the realization that I hadn't lost the feeling, as the feeling was not in the place, I had simply lost my connection to it. With the realization that the shore, along with the late-night Eldersburg walks before it, were really nothing more than symbols towards something unknowable, couldn't really, anything, anywhere, be? I began to feel what I thought I'd lost in Iona on the long night walks I took, and though it's still not quite as symbolic, it's enough to be a connection.
I have begun to think that perhaps I've held the word of "happiness" in too high of a regard. Perhaps what I simply call contentedness is what others would call happiness? Either way I'm content in saying that I'm content. |
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[Oct. 4th, 2007|03:34 am] |
I realize, I would really like to take a walk now, it's something my mind really needs.
But it's 3:35 am, I can't stay up too much longer, and I'd probably be walking for an hour, and I have class tomorrow...
sometimes I wish the night was longer. Though, I suppose if it was, everything would grow to fit the new hours. It's a pity that I live so late, yet still need time afterwards. |
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[Sep. 26th, 2007|08:50 pm] |
Uwao...
I hate getting suddenly sick. D;::: |
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[Sep. 10th, 2007|02:03 am] |
So I was all like, hum de dum, life is good.
Then I was like, wait a minute, life's good? Gasp!
Then I became sad again. :( |
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[Jul. 21st, 2007|04:15 am] |
Back in... '04 I guess, when my grandfather (that is, my mother's father) died, everyone had to go into his house and take out all the possessions of sentimental value so that it could be made usable by the next residents or what-have-you. I could find nothing of particular importance that I wanted (I didn't particularly like going to the house), but before I left, I went to the bathroom. As I opened the door, I took note of one of the three paintings there. It was a small painting (for a small bathroom), but I liked it. It was a picture of a rocky shore, the type where there's no sand, and the water crashing against them. It wasn't perfectly detailed, as the brushes were long and sometimes careless, but that fit it. I took the picture off the wall and took it home. I do not know whether it was then or before that this image was imprinted in my mind as the ultimate serenity, a clashing of earth and water, poised to go on for centuries.
The painting went largely forgotten, becoming simply another decoration in my room, behind some other things on my dresser. Not hung up, not displayed, in the back and visible, but unnoticed.
That changed in Scotland. About a week in, we travelled to the island of Iona, the island where my grandfather's (that is, my father's father's) ashes were scattered into the ocean (as he was a reverend). We walked to the northern shore. There, aside from a small bar of sand, was a shore completely made of rocks. Just like the picture. I explored it for a great deal of time before making a bad judgement about some vegetation and ended up getting myself drenched. It was time to go back to the hotel anyway. I told my dad I planned to go back at night, but he seemed to be against it, citing my safety as an issue. I kindly reminded him that there was no way he could stop me, so he agreed after, of course, getting my brother to come along with me. Oh well.
As we left the hotel that night, a man on a hill was practicing what looked to be tai-chi, silhouetted against the darkness. There was no sound. When we reached the shore, we climbed to the highest rock we could find on the edge, and sat on it. When you look out at the ocean in Scotland, you realize that the day never really ends -- even though the sun had just descended and i was around 12:30, it was already getting ready to come up in another spot. The only sound is the crashing of the waves. Me and Iain have sporadic conversation, about theology, about his hypocrisy, about what really exists. It's good to provide some questions to ponder against the crashing waves, but I suppose it would have been better if he wasn't there. Oh well, I had always dreamt of sitting alone, looking out to sea in the solitude of night, but simply being there, at that time and moment, was enough. And to know that the guy next to me was completely into it too, and not just tagging along or humoring me, was good too. It was close enough. Perhaps I may have been hasty in saying that I had no happiest moment in my life?
Tonight, I was feeling restless. Not bored or depressed, but I needed to get out of my house. I wanted to go somewhere secluded, or at least the most open space I could find. So, two hours ago, I decided to walk to Carrolltown (both school and center), as I sometimes do when I get in this mood. But as I entered the grounds of the school and walked down the stairs, all I could see was the glow from the lights. All I could see is the houses surrounding me. Walking along these walkways, gazing out into the fields, I could see nothing but yellow glow and the bordering houses. I came to Gemini, where the school grounds end and the mall paring lot begins. I looked at it and thought, is it worth it? Should I bother walking over there, will it settle my mind? I turned away and started walking home. There was no crashing of waves, just the occasional barking of a dog. By the time I got back home, hardly even half an hour had passed. At Iona, I had sat for almost two hours.
But Iona is a third of the way across the globe. I can't walk there overnight, I can't go there whenever I'm feeling restless. All I have is Eldersburg. And now, it all feels a little dimmer than before. And it makes me wonder, would I be happier now had I not went to Scotland? Had I never reached what I had detailed to myself as the epitome of serenity, would I still be happier with the substitutes I have now? Or will I eventually be reaccustomed to what I have? Hm. |
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[Jul. 19th, 2007|05:28 am] |
It's odd. In the past two or so days, I've had things happen, or read things that give you that warm, fuzzy feeling inside, thinking "aww, how nice" or "yay for the human race!", and I smile. Which, of course should be perfectly normal behavior.
However, I realized something. If something's funny, yeah I'll smile or grin. If I want to say "heh" without saying it, I'll smirk, flexing the muscle on the right side of my mouth, never the left. Maybe, if you're lucky or you're giving me a present for my birthday, you'll get a grin. But it's not really because I'm happy, it's because I recognize what you're doing as generosity/being nice/good. However, all of these never last for more than a second (unless it was something really funny).
It has been ages since I've actually smiled because I'm happy. Not "oh my god this twizzler is so amazing" happy, genuine happiness. I would like to attribute this simply to my inability to really show emotion, but then I think about it. I've seen that question on a few standardized tests and/or other in-school prompts, "write about the happiest moment of your life.". Whereas some people might have to choose between a few happy moments, I have none. Yeah, I was pretty pumped when I managed to get the parentheses around the numbers to show right in the sudoku program, but that's obviously not the happiest moment of my life. And if it is, that's a pretty shitty life isn't it? So I just write about when I wanted a super cool super soaker when I was 7... which of course, never happened.
It always seems my posts of emo-osity always seem to happen late at night (or if you'd like to call it right now, early in the morning). Is it because I simply get depressed at night? Or is it the time to myself gets me thinking, and realising?
I'm suddenly reminded of the Christian Bale waiter at Denny's. He always seems so chill about everything, "yeah, it's no problem", "oh, you need another drink? cool I'll get that right out for ya", etcetera. But when I look into his voice, I see repression. Repression of some unnamable thing which probably didn't need to be. But when he brought over our drinks, and he stepped wrong, and they fell, and they broke, he looked down at the shattered glass. And he hesitated, and he had a look in his eye. And all he said was "oh, sorry man, I'll clean that right up for you and bring you all some new ones." Who knows, he may not be repressing something at all, but I would like to think that I'm fairly observant of others' emotions. Or perhaps I'm just putting myself into their shoes when I don't need to?
Ah well. It's 6:02... the light's coming through my shade so it's time to go to sleep. I realize this post really doesn't really have an end point, but whatever. Clicking post. |
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[Jun. 5th, 2007|06:23 am] |
Normally I'd greet this picture with an "lol I'm so awesome at everything lolol *flex*", but this time it just makes me think, wtf?
Last semester, I got two A's and two B's, one of which was in English, a class which for all intents and purposes, I thought I would get a C in. I was quite happy with the B, and this semester I had planned to ask the teacher just how I managed a B, how I did on the final etc. But, I thought it would be a silly question so I never asked.
And now I am wholly convinced that, even though each class gave out a syllabus that stated what weight assignments would be given, that these really aren't real. Yes, I got an A in CMSC 203, yes I got an A in CMSC 202. I was thinking a B in STAT, but I'll believe an A.
But Calc? The syllabus was given at the beginning of the semester: 16% on homeworks, 54% on exams, 30% on the final. I was given back every one of these papers (except the final), and my grade was calculated to be approximately an 84. To get an A in the class, I would have needed a 104% on the final. There was no extra credit and whether I even passed the final is even debatable. When I was thinking about my grades, my thought about calc was "I *hope* I got a C in the class, but if I didn't it was an elective so it doesn't matter."
When I applied to UMBC, they gave me a $68,000 scholarship (17k per year), which only had the stipulation that I keep over a 3.25 GPA. The first semester I got a 3.21. It makes me somewhat suspicious, thinking, maybe this was purposely done, to make their chosen scholarship people look better for them? I was sort of hoping I would lose the scholarship, yes I know it's slightly selfish but it adds a responsibility looming over my head which I would rather not have, but now I may not just because of this exceedingly random A.
I mean, skewed grades have always happened for me throughout school, whether it's the Drew-type that grades you more harshly because "you can do better" or the middle-school type that grades you easier when you leave out tiny pieces of information because "he knows what he's doing", but it never happens that I was told every single one of my grades, then given a different overall grade than what I should have gotten.
A few days ago, grades were taken down due to a glitch that gave incorrect grades. The grades were put back up today, with a notice that said the problems had been resolved. Whether this is just a glitch or some freakish favoritism, I really can't tell. The only thing I'm sure of is that I did not earn an A, and I really wanna know why the hell it says otherwise. |
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[May. 21st, 2007|08:10 pm] |
Well I did well enough on my Comp Sci final, so I'm pretty sure I have a B in that class.
The Calc 3 final was another story, I knew most of the new material but completely forgot to brush up on the mechanics of some of the older stuff -- I knew all the equations but became horribly confused as to how to solve for X in something that would have constituted Algebra II. Ah well, thankfully I didn't need the class anyway.
Comin' home on Wednesday :O |
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[May. 17th, 2007|10:08 pm] |
So finals started today. I had Stat's final today, which I needed a B or something in to keep a B in the class, and I'm pretty sure I rocked it.
But tomorrow, Calc 3 final. Not feeling too good about it, as 50% of the material is gonna be stuff that was went over after the last test. And I haven't been to class/done homework since the last test really. So, we'll see. On the plus side, I'm just taking it as an elective so it doesn't really matter if I pass or fail the course. Yay.
I'd be more worried about my Comp sci final, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing well in the class that I could get a low C and keep a B in the class. Don't even need to take the final in my other Comp sci class cause the teacher decided we didn't have to take it if we were fine with our grade.
But I'm still worried about the calc exam, cause if I manage to keep a B in that class, and if I get an A in my one comp sci class, I'll get a 3.4 or 3.5 gpa for the semester, which *might* let me keep my scholarship (since it needs a 3.25 and I got a 3.21 last semester, but I dunno if it's based on the semester or year-end gpa or what).
*crosses fingers*
edit: Also, http://discovermagazine.com/2007/brain/i-chat-therefore-i-am/article_print amuses me. |
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[May. 10th, 2007|04:42 pm] |
I hate when you have so much random energy that you feel like you're gotta go up and do something but there's nothing to do and so you end up just bobbing up and down in your chair and peopel think you're crazy.
Also I'm going to Scotland. Mid-june to july 1st. |
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[Apr. 17th, 2007|06:04 pm] |
When you hear of school shootings and other related things, your faith n humanity often lowers a bit. But then you see things like this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liviu_Librescu
Holocaust survivor? 76 years old? Held the door closed, even after being shot, so that students could escape?
This man alone redeems my faith in humanity. |
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[Apr. 17th, 2007|03:12 am] |
I woke up today, and upon taking a shower and sitting in front of my computer thinking to myself "what shall I do on the intertubes today," my laptop's monitor dims as the hall erupts into a chorus of "AWWWWW"s. So, I did some offline work, but as my laptop's battery died, I realized I should do something else. So, I took a walk outside, where it was apparently raining. All across campus, you could hear the sound of the whirring generators, fighting to keep the remaining lights on.
I walk across campus, seeing people who are going to class on the off chance that it's in session, while others are coming back, clearly after finding out there were none. In the food court, the sub place is trying to sell pre-wrapped sandwiches, while one of them angrily asks the others why they're even there. As the people run through the wind pushing the rain into their faces, the squirrels don't seem to mind, searching for whatever it is they always do.
I walk along the edges of some tunnels before heading back to the dorm (the middle was covered in mud, where the dirt came from I don't know), at the end of which I find a small dried fallen branch of some nut tree. It interests me, so I pick it up, it makes a rattling noise as I shake it, like some primitive instrument. I look up at the trees and find the tree it came from -- one of a kind in the mix of other, generically leafy trees. I come across the rock garden, where I stand for a bit, taking it all in. The scene was quite serene; the wind rattled the branch as the rain lightly tapped against my forehead and the leaves of the trees around me, making a faint pitterpatter noise. I felt a certain oneness with it all, something normally not possible with the everpresent force of the technological world pulling me in.
I walked to a nearby wooden bridge and stared into the stream for a few minutes, watching the reflections in the water as it poured effortlessly over the various rocks in its path. I looked at the branch a final time as I tossed it into the stream, planning on watching it float away. Instead, it got caught on some rocks on the side and was unable to move further.
As I walked the final stretch towards my dorm, the wind picked up and the rain began battering my face. I zipped up my coat and squinted against the rain. Ah well, not everything can last forever. |
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[Apr. 14th, 2007|03:43 am] |
fucking
I hate it when you stay up too late and then birds start chirping n shit
it's 3 goddamn 40 you fucking birds chill out
I wanna sleep, stfu. |
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[Apr. 10th, 2007|01:34 am] |
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=447527&in_page_id=1770&in_page_id=1770&expand=true
awesome. |
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[Mar. 29th, 2007|03:35 am] |
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I think my roomate is the only person I've ever seen fall asleep at his computer while sitting up before. It's sorta odd now as he just sits there with his hands in his lap, but it's even more odd when he keeps his hands on the mouse+keyboard. |
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[Mar. 28th, 2007|01:31 am] |
note to self: Do not eat Salt and Vinegar pringles when you're already eating too much sodium- your throat does not approve.
Also, I combed my hair this morning- I quickly got a slight irritating feeling in my eyes that caused them to water, and I sneezed moments later.
Hair pollen? Uh oh.
...Spring approaches. Shall UMBC's environment be kinder than Eldersburg? I fucking hope so. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2007|03:21 am] |
boredom = new picture.
I think it'll just be used on certain posts though. Posts of aggravation. |
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